A BLAST FROM THE PAST

A WORD FROM THE BEYONDER QUEEN

THIS COURTHOUSE IN OUR LITTLE TOWN HAS AGED MUCH MORE GRACEFULLY THAN I. IT GOT ME THINKING.....

OKAY, SO SOMETIMES IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE BEING AN OLDER PARENT. I HAVE TO ADMIT GETTING OLD IS THE PITS. I CAN'T WAVE AT PEOPLE. IT'S DANGEROUS. THE FLAP OF SKIN UNDER MY ARMS IS APT TO FLY UP AND POP ME IN THE FACE. AND IF IT MISSES MY FACE, THERE ARE OTHER PLACES IT CAN HIT THAT ARE SENSITIVE TOO. AND, IF IT DOESN'T HIT ANYWHERE, THE CONSTANT MOTION STILL WEARS ME OUT. MY WORST NIGHTMARE IS BEING NAMED GRAND MARSHALL OF OUR LITTLE TOWN'S FAIR PARADE--HAVING TO SIT ON THE BACK OF A CONVERTIBLE AND WAVE TO THE CROWD. I'D BE BLACK AND BLUE FOR A MONTH.

I'M AFRAID MY YOUNGEST KIDS WILL GET EMBARRASSED WHEN THEIR FRIENDS ASK WHO I AM.
I JUST COLORED MY HAIR TODAY--TO GET OUT THE GRAY. GRAY HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK OLD, I THINK. STILL, NO MERE DYE JOB WILL ERASE THIRTY YEARS FROM MY FACE. MY GRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME SHE WISHED I WEREN'T OLD.
"BUT YOU'RE NOT AS OLD AS AUNT GRACE," SHE SAID.

YOU SHOULD KNOW---AUNT GRACE IS DEAD.

BUT JUST WHEN I GET TO FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, SOMETHING SNAPS ME BACK TO REALITY. TONIGHT, IT WAS THE CAR SHOW AT THE PARK. DANDELION DAZE, THEY CALL IT. AND THERE WAS A DJ PLAYING SIXTIES SONGS.
"CALIFORNIA GIRLS" AND "HANG ON SLOOPY." "LITTLE DEUCE COUPE" AND "HELP ME RHONDA."
SONGS THAT MADE MY HIPS SWING AND MY FEET MOVE. SONGS TO GROOVE TO.

I WAS A TEEN ONCE--WITH ACNE AND BRACES. I WORRIED ABOUT GETTING A DATE TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE AND WHETHER I LOOKED LIKE A DWEEB IN MY NEW MINISKIRT. I SPENT HOURS ASSESSING MY THUNDER THIGHS. I WONDERED ABOUT MARIJUANA AND LSD AND PREMARITAL SEX. I HATED MY PARENTS BECAUSE I WANTED TO GROW UP BUT I WAS AFRAID I COULDN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT THEM. AND I KNEW THAT EVENTUALLY THEY WOULD DIE AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

BUT I'M NOT ALONE. I HAVE A MATE OF 37 YEARS WHO LOVES THE BEACH BOYS JUST AS MUCH AS I DO. I DON'T HAVE ACNE ANY MORE. NOW I USE WRINKLE CREAM. ( BY THE WAY, IF BOOMERS ARE MAKING AS MUCH OF AN IMPACT ON SOCIETY AS THEY SAY WE ARE, WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE INVENT CREAM THAT WILL PUT WRINKLES IN WHILE YOU SLEEP?) I DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RUBBER BANDS ON MY BRACES POPPING OUT ANY MORE. NOW IT'S MY TEETH THAT POP OUT. I KNOW NOW THAT SPIKED HAIR AND PIERCED NOSES ARE JUST FADS AND DON'T MIRROR THE SOUL ANY MORE THAT MY ORANGE FISHNET STOCKINGS MADE ME A LOVE GODDESS.
I HAVE STUDIED THE EFFECT THAT MARIJUANA HAS ON THE BODY AND MUCH PREFER DARK CHOCOLATE. I NEVER DID LSD. AND PREMARITAL SEX? THAT'S WHERE MANY OF OUR FOSTER KIDS CAME FROM.

I WEATHERED THOSE AND ALL THE YEARS IN BETWEEN THEN AND NOW. I SURVIVED, AND I AM IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE, IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE BULGES WHERE MY PANTY LINE SQUEEZES MY THIGHS. I KNOW STUFF. STUFF THAT IS VALUABLE TO KIDS AND TO YOUNG PARENTS WHO WATCH THE WAY I HANDLE SMALL EMERGENCIES AND BIG DRAMAS. AND EVERYBODY DIES. SOMEDAY.
BUT FOR NOW, I HAVE A LOT TO LIVE FOR. I AM A LEGITIMATE ANTIQUE. AND AN ODDITY. I HAVE KIDS YOUNGER THAN MY CHILDREN DO.
SO, I THINK--WHILE MY HAIR IS DRYING--I WILL LISTEN TO SOME MORE TUNES AND PLAY A LITTLE DONKEY KONG. REMEMBER? CLICK ON THE WORDS, AND JOIN ME.

DONKEY KONG