The Reason I Don't Do "Black Friday."

Black Friday—a tradition which I have no desire to begin. Consider the experience of a friend:

Laura (not her real name) entered Wal-Mart at 4:10 am after circling the parking lot for 45 minutes waiting for a spot to open up. The store was packed tight. Shoppers filled every aisle. Laura retreated to the clothing section where there was walking space between displays.
There, on a clearance rack, she saw a dress which she never would have bought; it was clearly something meant for a stick-figured teenybopper. But having some time to kill waiting for the crowds to thin, she took the dress, and a necklace displayed to accessorize it, into the fitting room. She took off her sweatshirt and pulled the dress over her head…which was as far as it would go (willingly.)
Laura made a bad decision at this point. She doesn’t deny this. But she stretched as tall (and as thin) as she could, took a deep breath and tugged the garment down another ten inches. She heard the seams rip, but it couldn’t be helped. To make matters worse, she felt the pull on her own undergarments and realized that the threads from the fraying seams had wrapped themselves around her hooks.
Laura panicked and yanked the hem of the dress up over her head, effectively turning it inside out. The zipper on the enemy dress caught in Laura’s hair. Now Laura’s arms were pinioned against her head, imprisoned in the inside-out fabric bag. She remembered the little service bell to the right of the door and got to her knees so that her up-stretched arms could find it, and that’s when she recalled that she was wearing her husband’s underwear.
That morning, in the darkness of their room, she’d rummaged in the clean laundry basket (which she should have folded and put away earlier, but didn’t) and pulled out what she thought was a comfy old pair of granny underwear—perfect for pre-dawn shopping. By the time she discovered her mistake, she was just too tired to rectify it, so she had slipped the briefs on under her sweatpants.
Now, kneeling in the three- foot -square dressing room with her arms up over her head, her top half encased in inside-out fraying fabric and her bottom half sporting Hanes-For-Him, she couldn’t bring herself to press the “help” button.
It was at that point a tentative knock came at the door.
“Is someone in there?”
Laura bit her lip.
“Is this room in use?”
Laura took a deep breath and the seam finished its deathrip. “Could you help me, please?”
The door opened and a part-time saleswoman entered. She assisted Laura in pulling the dress down but no amount of effort would allow them to remove it. When the dress was off her head, Laura came face-to-face with the salesclerk: a woman in her nineties, barely over four feet tall, who was face-to-face with Laura’s husband’s tidy whities. Her expression said it all.
The clerk cut off the price tags from the ruined dress, and Laura pulled her sweatshirt over it. She meekly followed the elderly woman. Not wanting to meet anyone’s gaze, Laura kept her eyes down as they walked, matching her stride to the lights which flashed with each step of the old lady’s sneakers. They reached the checkout, and Laura scanned her credit card through the machine before the clerk escorted her to the door.
At that point, an alarm sounded and a mechanical voice told her she had activated the security system and she should step back into the store.
The greeter, another senior citizen in tan pants and a blue shirt, reached up and removed something from her hair. “I’ll take this,” he said.
The necklace.
The perfect accessory for the teeny-bopper dress had slipped itself under her thick matted curls (maybe she should have brushed her hair out at home, but it was Black Friday and four am, for Pete’s sake) and it had been fitted with one of those smart tags which screams out as it is abducted.
The four-foot black-belt karate clerk from the women’s section took her arm. The other senior spoke into his phone, and the manager arrived at a sprint.
Laura didn’t buy the necklace. ( Who knew Wal-Mart sold hundred-dollar jewelry) and the understanding manager allowed her to leave without calling the police. They banned her from the store for a year.
Still meek, Laura asked if they needed her ID so they would have a photo reference.
Not necessary, the manager assured her. They could pull up any number of still photos to identify Laura. You see, he told Laura, each dressing room was fitted with a surveillance camera.